transister.social

@memdmp i think it depends a ton on the audience and where they are emotionally with their child’s differences.

One thing i wish got emphasized is how fucking awesome neurodivergent people are. How every “difference” is usually some amazing thing that is only debilitating because the world is built to be hostile to their needs. That if they could “fix” their kid, they would be left with a stranger. I have wanted to say things along these lines but know they won’t be heard by the folks in this class (the mom blaming herself for cursing her child with ADHD is very much a real thing that happened)

Perhaps more productively is to encourage them to remember their kids brain works differently and in ways that are incredibly counterintuitive to an NT parent (especially if they have raised other kids who are NT).

An example is in a parents email list at work a parent was like “my two adhd kids always fight in the morning! I tried (bunch of stuff), playing soothing music, …”

So I kinda just explained (I used more words and clarified everyone’s different but summarize here) “daily routines are mind numbingly awful for ppl with adhd. It’s the morning and you gotta do this thing you do EVERY DAY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And now you’re playing classical music too.” I suggested trying something more active/faster, that could sort of “catch” their attention during the mundane morning life.

There are a lot of things like that, that could be helpful: adhd and autistic brains get stuck or focused on things; paying attention looks REALLY DIFFERENT (I cannot pay attention if I’m making eye contact for example, so me staring off is me PAYING ATTENTION); repetition can be super comforting; etc etc etc

But the biggest thing is probably that they should love their child for who they are, make sure they know their differences are what make them who they are, and that they never need to be ashamed of them. At least giving them the space to be truly themselves at home is such a huge thing. IMO not having this is why sometimes we lose track of who we are beneath the masks we are forced to wear.

Anyway that was long sorry

@gintoxicating@transister.social holy fuck this is formulated so well thank you so fkn much

will 100% use this as reference material whilst wr8ting the talk awawa

@AppleAmps @gintoxicating It could open a conversation of teaching kids to read the room so they don’t grow up to be reply guys or only talk about themselves on dates, but it sounds like these parents have more selfish motives.

@Vorsos @AppleAmps kinda-yes. I didn't mention it in the original post but this was a class for kids around 10 years, which is (imo) probably too early for that kind of lesson. Let them be themselves because this is when they get to find out who that is!

At some point (my kid is only 10 so I haven't felt out when yet tbh) they do need to learn about the social expectations other folks will have... but I'm still worried at her age she will internalize this as her behavior being wrong and I really, really want to avoid that.

I think specifically with dates and direct social settings (not reply-guy land), ND folks will find their people and those people understand. So, so many of the people I know understand an infodump is very often a sign of closeness and love. Our conversation patterns are different, but we usually understand each other enough that it's safe to be ourselves without the other person finding it selfish or self-absorbed. Or at least go in willing to understand those things to some degree.

It is tough though, and like I said I haven't yet really dug into that balancing act. I expect it will be very, very hard and I will learn a lot!

@gintoxicating @AppleAmps All great points. You’re far better suited for this work than I am.

I may have sounded like the onus is on NDs to be the best version of themselves to engage the world. I think NTs could put more effort into understanding and have flexible expectations. Living with ADHD has been an ongoing lesson for me, anyway.

@eri@mk.moth.zone @gintoxicating@transister.social

I kinda wonder how much pain we'd save if we forced all prospective parents to learn the song "Plant a Raddish" from Schmidt and Jones' The Fantasticks as a prerequisite to parenthood.

And if you don't like musical theater...too bad, because your kid might.

@eri @2something taking entirely the wrong message from the song: “who the fuck would return a beanstalk”

@gintoxicating@transister.social @eri@mk.moth.zone Jack's mom?

@eri ngl some parents actually think that’s what they signed up for and it’s wild

@stinerman sorry that happened. This is kind of why I was disappointed in the class; I do understand why a parent's first instinct would be that a kid isn't paying attention or being duplicitous. If they don't understand they will draw from their own experiences. That's natural.

But what's annoying is these parent's don't learn (or maybe accept?). I think even if I wasn't neurodivergent myself, I would pay enough attention to my kid that I could correlate "staring off while talking" and "paying attention" after a bit.

"Eye contact" has been my go-to example when talking to my kid's educators: "I do not care if she makes eye contact, I do care if she's paying attention. If you come at me with 'she's not making eye contact' we won't have the conversation you expect. I do not want you to make my child 'normal', I want you to enable her to succeed as herself". Fortunately the special education teacher she worked closest with seemed relieved and thanked me. I think there are a lot of parents that pressure her to make their kids their definition of normal, force them to mask... and she knows that's dumb stupid bullshit.

I felt like maybe I leaned too hard on this example because in my experience there's SO much info out there about how ADHD attention looks really different from NT attention... but after this class I will keep using it lol